YOUR SINGULAR, SURE VOICE

My world unravels now you are away
Your love is away; nothing embraces me
Trust fails around me and sincerity
Our love’s sanctuary is gone today

I’m a stranger lost in language games
I miss the meaning others fail to say
Who don’t remember me from yesterday
My social life comes down to merely memes

The world that is your singular, sure voice
Fractures in a plural mixed up sound
I lose my footing, stagger on shifting ground
Our duet drowned out by static noise

I learned the story of Tristan and Isolde
When all I did alone in school was read
They lived in love’s cathedral, love their creed
And so we lived so long our love will hold

My mind rehearses thoughts of you like a song
And all my memories join in harmony
Although apart, I feel you here with me
And I’ll be with you there however long

A CIRCUITOUS PATH THROUGH MADNESS

I have wandered.  Walked a circuitous path through madness
I know there is no romance in madness, no art in it
I now stand in sanity, more or less, understand where I was, then went
Stand with side effects from lingering symptoms, from the pills I need
Pills that keep me on this side of normal, with you, with where I was
Though simple effort still taxes my will, stresses my avolition
With a modicum of happiness breaking through the forest depression deep
The circuitous path I wandered out of to here, with you, with where I was
Not the manic elation I knew for a decade, nor a decayed will
When I couldn’t move, motivate myself, simple effort was enormous
Ambition used to mean what healing means to me now,
I know now why Tristan and Isolde required connubial conjunction
I know the swoon of Tristan’s potency into Isolde’s salvific potions
The solipsistic isolation Isolde solved in her era, saves me with solutions
Potions, herbals that brought back my heroic effort to get out of bed
To make another poem, words wound in sane sense not just to joust,
Vainly at windmills mindlessly spinning in vorticular winds, flailing,
Failing mind, falling into delusions, furtive stabs at shadows of reality
Breaking word sequences into nonsense and here is no art, no romance
Now in pills and many therapies, I invoke the soul of Lady Isolde’s salves
Potent restoratives who would potentially invoke my psychiatrist’s laugh
My psychiatrist, who doesn’t know, as I know, ethereal healings,
The anaesthetic pulling of my will into that simple activity, effortless,
As it used to be, an hedonia in doing, pleasure like happiness piercing
A clearing in deep forest darkness, depression’s deep gloom, like gladness
Like pleasure, like love Lady Isolde holds for prowess, like Lady Shakti’s
Chakras subsume susumma’s breath, and prana is clarity of mind, too
And spirit is psyche, ch’i, psychiatry is a chiasm of daemonic possession,
Desperation deposed—psychic chiasm, peripeteia in an ill-written script,
Light breaking forest gloom as in a clearing, a breath of fresh air
Inspiration of hope.  Stilling the spiralling like blown windmill blades
Spinning into a profound nowhere, incoherent words wheeled into order,
Wielding truth’s double-edged sword about it all, well-being, wellness
Wellsprings of hope, strength of will, wandering back, back to you,
To where I once was, departing the wilderness, wildness, the windmills’
Fiendish, whirling perseverations stilled, standing in sanity, more or less
I have wandered.  Walked a circuitous path through madness
There is no romance in madness, no.  No art in it
Not as there is art in sanity, in the sound of sense, in sound sense
In the sound of words making sense, and life as a living poem, making.
I did not choose to compose this poem, to wander that artless path

TOGETHERNESS MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE

With you with me, I can handle anything

It feels sometimes as if the world is at me

Frustrations, failures, attacks enemies bring

In all, your holding me holds me steady

 

As Tristan and Isolde lived on love’s bliss

Our Love Grotto blesses every place and date

The outside world which whirls outside our kiss

Our love and deeds receive and penetrate

 

And when I err—I do—and stray awry

You call me back and straighten my direction

In all the flowering arts I love to try

When weakness saps, you fire my motivation

 

In life what matters most to me is us

We are salvation among change and sin

An anchor when seas turn tempestuous

I became we; then did my life begin

 

It is a holy gift to love and care

The world, too often, is indifference

We are the answer to each other’s prayer

Togetherness makes all the difference

THE SUPPORT YOUR LOVE GIVES ME

With you—your support—I can handle anything

If it feels, and it does at times, like the world is at me

In frustrations, failures, and yes, attacks enemies bring

In it all, your constant support holds me steady

 

As in Tristan and Isolde’s sacred Love Grotto, living on bliss

So our bliss blesses the world which our love weaves of times and dates

And the outside world whirls way away from our kiss

The world into which our love radiates and action penetrates

 

And when I err, and I do, and wander awry

You turn me back and straighten my direction

You move me to what I ought, and to all the projects I love to try

And in weakness and apathy your own will gives power to my motivation

 

In my life, what matters most is us

We are solidity and salvation in a world of change and sin

An anchor in uncertain seas that can turn tempestuous

When I became we, then did my life begin

 

It is a holy gift to have a love like you to care

In a world too often marked by indifference

Having you in my life is an answer to prayer

And having you in my life has made all the difference

Craving Transcendence

I believe that humanity needs transcendence.  We need moments that take us out, above, the tensions, pressures, stresses, and hum-drum complacencies of daily life.  There is a scene in Dickens’ Great Expectations that illustrates this.  A certain clerk at the office of an unscrupulous, callous lawyer is described as appearing like a mailbox.  His mouth is set so stiffly, it appears like the steel slot that you slide letters into.  But as he walks out of the office, and heads to his domestic life, his innocent home life, his face relaxes, takes on lively expressions, and his innocence emerges.  At home, the clerk finds a kind of transcendence.  His humanity retreats in the hostile environment of the law office, and re-emerges in the safe home in which he lives.  In Hawthorne’s Scarlet Letter, Hester Prynne meets Rev. Arthur Dimmesdale, her lover, in the woods, far, far from the pressures of the intense Puritan village in which they live.  And perhaps the most clear literary example of transcendence is in the medieval romance Tristan.  In this work, the lovers Tristan and Isolde meet in the forest in a special “Love Grotto” which is a kind of cave that resembles a medieval cathedral.  Their bower of love, away from the life of the castle court, is a protected, transcendental place in which their love can be freely—carefreely–expressed.

We all need a place like the safe domesticity of the clerk at the law office, the woodland refuge of Hester and Dimmesdale, or the Love Grotto of Tristan and Isolde.  A place or an environment in which we feel safe, and more than safe, uplifted spiritually.  For ages, humanity has found transcendence in relationship with God.  A connection with God was found to be ecstatic, uplifting, calming, peaceful, enlightening.  The roots of many religions teach that God is somehow above the created world, and that connection with God would lift a person out of the pressures of worldly life, transform one’s emotions and thoughts, elevate one’s soul.  “In the world you have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world,” Jesus said (John 16:33).  Religious transcendence is found in prayer, worship, meditation, devotional reading, and charitable works.

I have seen efforts to find transcendence without God.  This is because many today are renouncing belief.  Without God, and with a craving for transcendence, where can people find that place apart from the world, above the world, better than complacency?  I see in TV and cinema episodes that look like transcendental places.  One common transcendental space is in the experience of love.  Lovers create a kind of bubble which is known only to the couple.  Finding someone who treasures you above others, as lovers find, makes a person feel special.  At least to the beloved, you are more important than other people.  In strong love relationships, the beloved is treasured above anything else, everything else.  That feeling of being special to one other human, lends the feeling of transcendence, creates a space that we don’t find in the world.  Often the world can feel harsh and unloving.  In the movie The Big Chill, the friends lament their eventual return to the tough world they view from the treasured solace of their friendship.    These reflections suggest two other options for semi-transcendence: family and friendship.  Friendship is like love, but not as intense.  Indeed, lovers often are best friends, but best friends are most often not called lovers.  And families seem to hold the widest array of love relationships.  Parents love their children sometimes even more than their partner, and they also have that mutual love that couples know with their partner.  So family life is another powerful place of transcendence.  It is a place where the stresses of the world can be let go, and where each family member is special just for who they are.  Robert Frost calls family, “Something you somehow haven’t to deserve” (The Death of the Hired Man).  Other means of semi-transcendence can be art (the rapture of music), nature, sports (especially the communal experience of a live game), or, unfortunately, drugs.

My feeling is that these attempts to satisfy the universal craving for transcendence are not sufficient.  I think that they will lead to frustration.  Seeking something that lifts one out of the human situation can’t be found by other human creations.  I have felt the kinds of semi-transcendences that I listed briefly above.  And in my better moments, I have felt religious transcendence.  I have experienced the semi-transcendental episodes in cinema, for instance, and for me, they don’t fulfill my own craving.  It feels really good, indeed.  It does create a space outside the pressures of the world.  But it doesn’t uplift.  It doesn’t bring peace.  And so with other efforts to get away from it all, but not all the way to heaven.  Granted, as a believer, I have expectations grounded in religious experiences.  But as a human, I do feel love, friendship, family, art’s rapture, the enjoyment of sports, the quiet of nature (which, arguably, is God’s creation, and at least, not a human creation), and have experienced drugged relief.  My experience of spirituality feels higher than the other forms of transcendence.  In fact, my experience of love, friendship, family, art, and nature is enhanced by my spirituality.  I think the craving for transcendence can be relieved only by a transcendental Reality.  I don’t think that the craving for transcendence will ever be forgotten or sloughed off.  Humans will always want a place apart.  But I don’t think that humanity will find that place apart without God.  I see endless frustration, maybe unconscious frustration even, when finite forms are used to fulfill what is essentially an infinite urge.