TIME

Time

Something to be filled

Not enough of

Passes unnoticed, unpondered

Work, family, sleep

Filled fulfilling aspirations

Perfecting, learning, creating

Time

How we fill the time we have

Young people chase their dreams

My friends who partied with me

When we were young

Went to school, found a career, retired

–I’ve watched whole lives

Career, family, retirement, death—

And it all means, has meaning

Means a lot

Some just get by

Passing time

Pastime, time passed

Time management

Time: “My most precious commodity”

Not enough ours in the day

Racing the clock

The Reaper

Time, pastime, time passed

Time out

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ALIENATION IN ILLNESS

Beset with a serious illness

I waste away weak

And unwilling, rage and rail at everyone and the world

Enervated, I lack the energy

Necessary for goodness

I languish, lamenting my lack

Of energy, enervated, angry

I know I am better than I am

Suffering, I grow insufferable

Strain the patience of my friends

Alienate my acquaintances

Struggle with my beloved

Commitments constrain the convalescence I crave

I rave at the world in this illness

And pray my relations will stay

Until I return their love

When I heal, return whole, regain my heart

SPRING IN EDMONTON

Some of the trees have buds

Majestic V’s honking Canadian Geese can be glimpsed in the sky

I’m not wearing a jacket

Neither am I wearing shorts

It’s too soon for Dionysian ecstasy

My eyes squint as the brilliant sun shines above the horizon line

When it used to be night a month back

Winter’s sand remains on the roads

Even though they drive the street-cleaners late at night

It feels like I have more energy

A CIRCUIT OF CONNECTIONS

Love

Connection

Support, community

Parents, brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents

Home

When it all works

 

And then

 

Vocation, relocation, isolation

Alone, unknown in a strange town

The whole wide world

Strangers, business associates

Stabs at connection

Church, gyms, bars, gangs, the streets

Alcohol and drugs and one-night stands

Unaware

Screams at connection

 

And then

 

Incredibly good fortune,

or Providence

“O Lord thou pluckest me out”

Intimacy, soulmate, conjunction

Love

Mutual

Family again

Support

Connection

Home

After so much

A friend to the whole wide world

LEARNING TO OUTGROW LIFE HERE

Although age slags and weakens my body

Though my agility, flexibility grow heavy and stiff

My soul grows, grows light, fills with light

Enlightenment matters more than matter

Wisdom—age’s donation to

This deteriorating flesh—

Grows as powers fail and hours fill

With matters other than those of the body

Other realms than matter suggest

Youth’s vibrant spirit

Returning in other realms when

This matter has had enough and spirit matters

My purpose here fulfilled

My soul outgrown this flesh and bone

This mortal community, camaraderie

As age passes on its lessons

Learning to outgrow life here

LIVING MY OWN LIFE

Existential isolation was

En vogue

When I was in school

(Probably still is)

To which I added drunken dissipation

Upon graduation I found sobriety

And was terribly alone

Outside the “we” program

Despising my loneliness

In an otherwise paradisaical climate

 

I no longer feel alone

Which begins with Carol and us

There is the small church

Sacred community

In a world that has no place for religion

Out of vogue

 

Trends

 

But I have Carol

I have the church

I have sacred community

Which means more than any trend

I live my own life

I pay the consequences, reap the rewards

And think very little about some social construct of vogue

A VANTAGE POINT

I don’t know if it was four days of Tylenol

Or fever

Or four days bedridden, . . .

But I saw my whole life in a vision

In a critique

God tried to touch me

I fear I don’t have the strength

To sustain God’s touch

Slipping back may have consequences

Too dire to contemplate

I had a glimpse

I have a vantage-point

I see where I have been

A part of me won’t be the same again

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