FACES

“A man is another man’s face”

For Michael Harper; and for T. S. Eliot there is time

“To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet.”

He even put pale green make-up on his own

Public face

Mask, theatre

The laugh that guy put on in the blues club

Which signified his lost center

Too much bar

Too much beer

There was that intense, intensive week for me

Together in worship and play

Youth Church Camp

Together face to face all day and into the night

Campfire, sacred flame, circle, singing

Sacred space, sacred time

They will always remember

I will

And then that laugh he put on in the blues club

The faces I meet when they compel a face from me

And the campfire burns only inside me

Behind the faces I now wear

OUT THERE

What do you do with time

We shared, when we are no longer we

Those memories of us, photos of us

Places we went together

Time when we shared when we were we

 

How does an individual repair trust?

Broken trust, broken heart

What does an individual do with broken love

Innocence lost, admiring, trusting innocence

Echoes of expulsion from the Garden

 

I can hear blues even in The Ode to Joy

Guess I won’t be happy for a while

There is redemption with God,

Peace in religious systems

If feeling better isn’t cheating

 

I try not to get mad at everybody

They have done nothing to me

But from this place, place of downcast dour

I can’t find equanimity, the civil speech

I must maintain with everybody

 

And so I wait in the darkness

Without hope, for hope would be for the wrong thing

Without will, for desire would be misplaced

There is only the waiting and the darkness

Which shall be the darkness of God

TONIGHT

I felt, more than heard,

The pounding pulse of the bass

It was what I wanted tonight

I didn’t want to think

I only wanted to feel

And lose myself in the sound

 

Things matter differently

When your world is collapsing

You fill time differently

When the long train is running

There are hobbies, work, pastimes, art

Sometimes you buy things for fun

Then there is the casino

When the long train derails

There is just the fullness

Of that dark emptiness

Sitting in the power of despair

 

Oh, you may make plans

You may even dream

Of suppressed possibilities

But there’s mostly the dark—

Feeling that—

And the power of the sound

Tonight

APOPHATIC EXPERIENCES

Not every aspect of human experience

Merits verse

There are readers

And conjuring

Some conjurings merit exorcism

Words convey

There are nameless entities

To be forgotten, not versified

Pollution of language

Heart and mind and soul

Oh, you know it

But do not make of it poem or song

DURING TRAVEL

Between hotel check-out and arrival home

I’m at my worst

There are too many forced choices

In a moment’s notice about

Things I don’t know, unfamiliar places

El-trains, subways, buses, airport gates

Streets, choices, now, act, move

Choose now

Loss of power—their seats, refreshments, served on their timetable

Uncertainty—it’s all in your own hands

Panic, decisions, and waiting

I’m not at my best faced with all this

TIME AND REFLECTION ON LIFE CHOICES

He did alright for himself

That’s how I see my friend, now

He made a living out of music

Married and raised a family

 

A benefit of age is perspective

I knew him before it all

He was a waiter and I a doctoral student

We played in a band together

 

He got a job teaching music at a ma and pop store

Pretty much the town’s only music store

I set my sights on a university professorship

I wondered then if that’s all he planned to do in life

 

He taught and gigged the past thirty-three years

Married, now the father of grown adults

A house, a family, a musician

He did alright for himself

 

I got the Ph.D., but the professorship never came through

Ordained a Swedenborgian minister a decade ago

A long-term relationship, travels together and moments

In retrospect—the gift of age—we both did alright for ourselves

FLAME FLICKERING

Precipitous behaviors broken

Trust

Flower fading browning bloom

Cool

Flame flickering

Disappointment

Flame fuming

Mad

Tangled words, talking

Wondering

Peering through a fractured mirror

Revelation

Tenuous continuity

Uncertain

Reaching, touching, searching

Salvation

Time past, time present, time future

Flame flickering

SEMI-FULFILLED POTENTIALS

Pretty much my whole adult life

I’ve been more or less semi-retired

A full-time undergraduate and grad

Student and the poverty and the freedom

Writing and performing music

Writing and researching papers and theses

Bipolar disorder’s attenuated capacities

Avolition and crippled will to persevere

Those week-ends asleep in bed—

The weekend through: Friday till Monday morning

Those lost weekends

A post-doctoral funk and bad jobs

Part-time teaching and poverty

Writing and publishing a book and journal articles

Music and poetry and bad jobs

A good job preaching, a calling, and full-time pay

Recording a CD of my originals and poetry and newspaper bylines

Volunteer positions and committees and seminar presentations

All for joy and no pay

Pretty much semi-retired and all of it

WE TWO

Blasting tailpipe deafening cacophony

While pleasant sunset walking evening

Chatting hand-holding pleasant sun setting

Street noise sidewalk dirt dusty swirling twilight

In pleasant breeze sun clear sky heat

Ice-cream outdoors sitting watching groups couples

Passing by dogs chatting standing individuals

Passing setting sun breeze time

We two

LANGUAGE AND TRUTH

Your first written impulse isn’t always

The truth

And so revisions

Paring away distracting words

Imprecise words

Replacing the vague with

Clarity

Sculpting truth

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