BLACKTOP AND LILAC FLOWERS

I left reading The Book of Songs, compiled by Confucius,

On the wooden patio, its planters filled with small flowers

Bright purple, dainty white and purple, daisies, deep red

Like the Nature imagery structured through the Odes

Plum flowers, boughs with peaches, reeds picked by pools

On islands in the Yangtze River; measuring the hours of night

By the passing of stars through the sky, which places humans

In the still of Nature reverence, persisting yet from China’s antiquity

Driving away from the wooden patio, that June night when, at 9:30,

The sky was blue and in the west yellow-golden with the sun still up

The street’s blacktop clashed against the violet scent of lilac flowers;

Oaks decorated concrete sidewalks, rising steel and glass office buildings

Parking in a lot past downtown by the train tracks, I faced two billboards

Looked past the tilting chain-link fence to the clashing billboards—

The pinkish, tomato-soup orange Vizzy hard seltzer billboard against

The red CIBC Bank billboard, though some texts may call them

Complimentary colors, the pinkish, tomato-soup against red billboards

Eating my Quarter-Pounder, I couldn’t see the lady pick reeds by pools

Looking at the weeds, the tilting fences, the billboards by the parking lot

Facing the train tracks, nor at the municipal park, either, I drove to

And pulled over to let a screaming ambulance pass me, that had to cross

The centerline into oncoming traffic and a guy wouldn’t stop his car

To let the ambulance through, on my way; the municipal park circled

By a blacktop road, with pavilions and restrooms for picnickers

The stillness from Confucius’ Odes took me to the wooden patio,

The tiny flowers in the planters secluded by means of wooden planks

Composing the privacy fence—despite pink noise from the exhaust fan

Of the nearby brick restaurant—I picked reeds by pools with the lady

On an island surrounded by the rough Yangtze River, it was dark, now

A CIRCUITOUS PATH THROUGH MADNESS

I have wandered.  Walked a circuitous path through madness
I know there is no romance in madness, no art in it
I now stand in sanity, more or less, understand where I was, then went
Stand with side effects from lingering symptoms, from the pills I need
Pills that keep me on this side of normal, with you, with where I was
Though simple effort still taxes my will, stresses my avolition
With a modicum of happiness breaking through the forest depression deep
The circuitous path I wandered out of to here, with you, with where I was
Not the manic elation I knew for a decade, nor a decayed will
When I couldn’t move, motivate myself, simple effort was enormous
Ambition used to mean what healing means to me now,
I know now why Tristan and Isolde required connubial conjunction
I know the swoon of Tristan’s potency into Isolde’s salvific potions
The solipsistic isolation Isolde solved in her era, saves me with solutions
Potions, herbals that brought back my heroic effort to get out of bed
To make another poem, words wound in sane sense not just to joust,
Vainly at windmills mindlessly spinning in vorticular winds, flailing,
Failing mind, falling into delusions, furtive stabs at shadows of reality
Breaking word sequences into nonsense and here is no art, no romance
Now in pills and many therapies, I invoke the soul of Lady Isolde’s salves
Potent restoratives who would potentially invoke my psychiatrist’s laugh
My psychiatrist, who doesn’t know, as I know, ethereal healings,
The anaesthetic pulling of my will into that simple activity, effortless,
As it used to be, an hedonia in doing, pleasure like happiness piercing
A clearing in deep forest darkness, depression’s deep gloom, like gladness
Like pleasure, like love Lady Isolde holds for prowess, like Lady Shakti’s
Chakras subsume susumma’s breath, and prana is clarity of mind, too
And spirit is psyche, ch’i, psychiatry is a chiasm of daemonic possession,
Desperation deposed—psychic chiasm, peripeteia in an ill-written script,
Light breaking forest gloom as in a clearing, a breath of fresh air
Inspiration of hope.  Stilling the spiralling like blown windmill blades
Spinning into a profound nowhere, incoherent words wheeled into order,
Wielding truth’s double-edged sword about it all, well-being, wellness
Wellsprings of hope, strength of will, wandering back, back to you,
To where I once was, departing the wilderness, wildness, the windmills’
Fiendish, whirling perseverations stilled, standing in sanity, more or less
I have wandered.  Walked a circuitous path through madness
There is no romance in madness, no.  No art in it
Not as there is art in sanity, in the sound of sense, in sound sense
In the sound of words making sense, and life as a living poem, making.
I did not choose to compose this poem, to wander that artless path

WE ALL SEE THE SAME MOON

He had a Kawai baby grand piano in his living room
It wasn’t a Bosendorfer, Steinway, or Yamaha
But he had a baby grand and my roommate a long time ago
Had an inherited Steinway with real ivory keys, she let me play it
Play way into the night, a nurse now, and a music school graduate
With her inherited Steinway, and he is a psychologist with his Kawai
Laura Rain played Blues on Whyte in Edmonton, and
The Edmonton Bluesfest; I heard she played Buddy Guy’s
I first heard Monkey Junk at the Salmon Arm Folk and Roots Festival
Playing on a side stage; Taj Mahal headlined on the mainstage
My sister had a Taj Mahal album in the ‘70’s; and Monkey Junk
Can fill a moderate concert hall and they’ll always work in Canada
My friend the psychologist got a friend of his to cast his wedding rings
And having lived in Southwest Florida for decades could always get gigs
He wouldn’t be able to fill a concert hall, but there weren’t any, anyways
Just the symphony hall, and I heard B. B. King play there, once
And I’m a Swedenborgian minister of a small, aging, dwindling church
An accomplished piano player in Nashville asks me spiritual questions
And critiques recordings of my original music free of charge
He plays cruise ships and exclusive summer resort hotel bars, solo,
With an illustrious past, having performed with industry giants,
Making a living in an undependable business.  We’re all making a living.
And there’s a place for art in life, however life ends up construed
Whatever life is called, or identity defined, be it by a career, aspiration
Passion or calling, writing on a business card, how others know you
Like my friend with the Kawai, or his friend who cast his wedding rings
Or the music graduate with her inherited Steinway, who is a nurse
B. B. King, Taj Mahal, Monkey Junk, Laura Rain, my musical friends,
My musical inclinations, the thousands I spent on instruments
I, a Swedenborgian minister at a small, aging, dwindling church,
Still happy, contented with my life, contented with my inclinations
And their manifestation, my pay, the recognition of my peers, my friends,
My musical instruments and their exercise, my career, my attainments,
Those I yet pursue in these advanced years, the lingering dreams I cherish
The moderate drive moving my intentions through happy reflections

RESTING MY INCLINATIONS

I am resting my inclinations, my aging body
No longer responsive to my inclinations
As my youthful body was
Whenever I wanted to do pretty much anything
Be it lifting heavy rocks on the construction site
Or playfully leaping from boulder to boulder
In a modern art fountain set on the ground of the Harvard campus
Now I want to play my B3, but I can’t
My finger joints are sore, my muscles ache from last night
When the kick playing reached my physical capacity
I had to stop
And now I have to rest, rest my inclinations, restore my body
I may be able to play tonight, want to put in at least some practice time
Maybe, though, not till tomorrow; I have to rest now and I can’t play
My body is no longer responsive to my inclinations
As when I was younger, effortlessly, and everything was effortless
Careless, insouciant, fun, indifferent to consequences I would pay later

THERE’S NO AUDIENCE FOR A POET

It’s a rush to play your piano and make music
Even if you’re all alone at home, whether you’re composing or reading
The music itself that you’re making is rewarding to hear
Like listening to your iPod only your wholeness is making
Making the sound you are hearing
But even more so, is performing to an audience
And maybe some people are up dancing
And you watch a girl’s body moving to your beat
And you can change the way she moves when you change the beat
You feel the vibe redouble, performing
And you and the audience are in the moment together, Dionysian
A kick you don’t get from poetry
There’s no audience for a poet
Sure, you can go to slams, open mikes
But maybe you’re shy, or shake in public
So you write your thankless poems in private
And on a good day, maybe read them over to yourself
Or post them online and wait for likes, which is an audience of sorts
Crave publication
Which you fancy will be the validation of your words
An audience of sorts
And on a bad day, maybe corral someone to read or listen
You’re lonely: you won’t cave to trends
Because the poetry that matters, the poets that matter
Found their own voice, write in their own voice
I would write in deconstruction if I thought that it mattered
And I’m lonely
But it’s better than being someone else’s voice

MUSINGS ON STYLE AND TRUTH

Does a poem mean?
We studied Ciardi’s How Does a Poem Mean? in college
I don’t think Ciardi gets it
“Have you ever felt so proud to get at the meaning of poems?”
Whitman asks in futility of our post-modern age
I’m tired of Wallace Stevens
THE MAN WITH THE BLUE GUITAR never meant a word to me
I tried and gave up trying and now I don’t care
Precious language, specious language, and that’s about it
I want meaning in a poem more than precious language
And Plato cleaved art from truth and made much of propositions
Though his dialogues read like stories and some have myths
My English professor almost omitted Robert Frost
From his Modern American Poetry course due to Frost having “subjects”
Let alone rhyme and rhythm beats and feet, like Blake’s Tyger
It wasn’t all that long ago that Percy Bysshe Shelley
In EPIPSYCHIDION or MONT BLANC: LINES
Imaged more than meant, or imaged as meaning
And it is late, and I am old, and the time and my age are making me cranky
Maybe it’s too much to say I don’t care about Stevens
I get Jackson Pollock, but own an expensive Andrew Wyeth print
I read Stevens, but I like Robert Frost
Time was, language communicated
Truth was told, wisdom was passed down to generations
Story was religion, and verse, prophesy
And art was more than style and originality,
Poetry more than precious word choice
But it’s late, and I’m getting tired and old
I still care how a poem means
I may be going the way of rhyme and rhythm, beats and feet
But it’s nice and sweet not to have to like Wallace Stevens anymore

SACRIFICES OF A GRAD STUDENT

The others are out partying
Cruising in their urban assault vehicles
One night they shot chicks in the ass with a plastic dart gun
Outside the neighborhood convenience store
And a girl panicked and the police showed up
They told them to put their toys away and go to bed
After the bars closed but the night wasn’t done for them
But I stayed home in my apartment reading
That night I heard about, it was Blake
I was deep in the wailing and groaning mythic Giants
And Sunday afternoon I was explaining
An ethics paper I was working on to a girl I picked up Friday night
About love and state public policy, bussing and race
And she asked me how long it took me to write the poem I gave her
It didn’t last because, she said, I wasn’t in business and it was the ‘80’s
We’ve already made terms with living impoverished
And not being able to afford a lot of beers
But there are still ways to get into trouble

A DALLIANCE WITH ATHEISM

Atheism, the Greek alpha privative applied to God
A simple letter that would negate
The Word
Fashion has that apparent privative power
Belief is hard come by these days
In my day I’ve dallied with atheism
More as an academic posture, professional pose, poseur’s profession
Impressed by express academic probity, I professed an inculcated cultus
Grew unprofessional regarding the confession of God,
Like professors I grew to like, I grew like
Fashion dressed up as sophistos
Quite unlike my younger years, when I didn’t know
In my gut
I didn’t know and I don’t know now,
I believe
It’s hard to keep faith in mind and heart and life
In my gut
With a thinking mind, overthinking, ubermentation
Entertainment of doubts
It’s quite a thing to believe in things unseen
Unseemly, out of fashion
In fact, a factitious cultural cult
As if my mortal soul would matter as does a hemline
Lifeline to eternity the believing mind, heart, life.

God whispers

Aethereal evidence
A veritable mass of evidence opened upon open-minded assent,
Heaven sent, yet evidence, still solipsistic criteria,
I cry tears in this wilderness, this wildness
This worldliness, this world view, this zeitgeist, the spirit of this age
The Spirit and Words that give life
Life in a time and place in which belief is optional
Optimal
Words, Spirit, life, script for acting good, scripture
Inscribed on the heart, covenant, conformity to script, solipsistic criteria
Information for theological formation not Positivist logical formulation

God whispers

I hear upon open-minded assent, prior ascent, priority assent
Ascent out of that which is for this world alone
That which Is
That which makes this world
My faith in a doubt-filled world, the denial of the world, other world

THEODICY

“Hey Laura!  Lookin’ hot!”  Jackie exclaimed at coffee hour after church
Broadcasting her own bisexuality, which struck me as attention-seeking
And I thought about her mother’s own attention-seeking behaviors
Of her childhood abuse she now struggles as an adult to survive
And her several marriages, separations
I wonder how many generations down
The iniquities of the fathers are visited
And I have to survive the iniquities my father visited upon me
Complicit with my mother’s silent abetting

Once riding with a Harvard friend in his boat off the coast of Atlantic Florida,
Which we were able to enjoy through his wife’s wealth,
We glimpsed the mansion visited upon the young Kennedys
—I think I saw a yacht moored in front of the Kennedy mansion—
And try to wrap my mind around why, from one perspective,
Some don’t seem to catch a break
The Aqualung types hanging around the convenience store down the street
Made something by Jethro Tull’s ‘70’s rock album, otherwise despised
And to discourage them from hanging around the convenience store
Scaring people by being who they are or were made to be
By iniquities of vague, distant Fathers
The cashiers won’t let me buy them a sandwich
Won’t let me practice Mi’kmaq Star Teachings
Won’t let me care

From one perspective, the fates spin an unjust thread
What a cheat life would be were that myth exclusive
A shade drawn on the glimpse through ultimate reality’s greater window
Vanishing lines that converge upon the perspective of conviction
That an ultimate equity may yet inhere here, inherited curses be confounded,
Or else redemption were a vacuous term,
Rebirth but a rabbinic dialogue written in a Sacred Text
Close the embossed leather covers and lock the words in silence
Yet were there another perspective, vanishing lines of inquiry pointing to
An unjust inquisition’s verdict denied, then there were another perspective.
Swedenborg said he saw it;–what if temporal goods matter
Only insofar as they remain eternally?  What if matters of soul matter
As much as material goods in this material world
And the Madonna of antiquity means more than a pop star
Even now relegated to antiquity
Then the ode to Jackie, her mother, the Aqualung types, and I is composed
in quite another key.  Overcoming the iniquities of the fathers,
The iniquities of vague, distant Fathers, we see the material of humanity
when our eyes meet, and belie Blake’s HUMAN ABSTRACT
Rise up in new birth, reform into new selves, new souls, Arise all Souls Arise

The vanishing lines of ultimate reality’s perspective converge on
The crucified One
I try to wrap my mind around how He just couldn’t seem to catch a break
And look where He ended up
Have I tried to squeeze the universe into a ball? 
To roll it to an overwhelming question I can scarce conceive:

Really, where did He end up?

WINTER: SEASONS BLEEDING INTO TIME

WINTER WAY NORTH

In the way north, winter is warm
We’re indoors almost all winter; we’re way north
It’s just too cold to go outdoors
I like to watch the float and swirl
When snowflakes bless the cold air
I don’t complain about road conditions
When I do go outdoors after my car warms up
And maybe it’s 5 minutes in the elements, the bracing air
From my car to the shopping mall’s stale air
Which is community in the winter
Or maybe live music and dancing indoors in a bar’s congested air
Which all conspires to make winter warm
And it is not a Taoist reverence for Nature
As one would find in Swedenborg or Emerson
But more like the poetry of Marinetti without fascism
In celebration of an industrial conquest of nature
As most who live in -30 temperatures would
And buildings and tunnels connecting buildings
And automobiles transporting you warm in the elements
Would make anyone a Futurist in a warm automobile
Warm shopping mall, warm apartment, warm winter
In the way north where the outdoor elements are deadly in winter
And indoors we are warm, my body heat borrowed
Until what makes my heartbeat departs the final cold
I watch the snowflakes cover the pallid earth

Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries